1288.user.js

// ==UserScript==
// @name        xkcd 1288 substitutions
// @namespace   http://github.com/mcef
// @description Substitutions that make reading the news more fun
//
// @include *
// @exclude *github.com/*
// ==/UserScript== 

(function() {
	var substitutions = {
		'witnesses': 'these dudes I know',
		'allegedly': 'kinda probably',
		'new study': 'Tumblr post',
		'new studies': 'Tumblr posts',
		'rebuild': 'avenge',
		'space': 'spaaace',
		'google glass': 'Virtual Boy',
		'smartphone': 'Pokédex',
		'smartphones': 'Pokédexes',
		'electric': 'atomic',
		'senator': 'elf-lord',
		'senators': 'elf-lords',
		'car': 'cat',
		'cars': 'cats',
		'election': 'eating contest',
		'elections': 'eating contests',
		'congressional leader': 'river spirit',
		'congressional leaders': 'river spirits',
		'homeland security': 'Homestar Runner',
		'could not be reached for comment': 'is guilty and everyone knows it',
		'right': 'riiight',
		'now': 'meow'
	}

	var regexps = [];
	for (var search in substitutions) {
		regexps.push([new RegExp('\\b' + search.replace(' ', '\\s+') + '\\b', 'gi'), substitutions[search]]);
	}

	var substitute = function(node) {
		var text = node.nodeValue;
		for (var i=0; i<regexps.length; i++) {
			var search = regexps[i][0];
			var replace = regexps[i][1];
			text = text.replace(search, function(match) {
				if (match == match.toUpperCase()) {
					return replace.toUpperCase();
				}
				var c = match.trim().charAt(0);
				if (c == c.toUpperCase()) {
					return replace.charAt(0).toUpperCase() + replace.slice(1);
				}
				return replace;
			});
		}
		node.nodeValue = text;
	}

	var findNodes = function(node) {
		if (node.nodeType == 3) { // text node
			substitute(node);
		} else {
			for (var child=node.firstChild; child; child=child.nextSibling) {
				findNodes(child);
			}
		}
	};

	findNodes(document.body);
})();